It’s that day of the year again… when satire has five minutes before it becomes fact.

From The Savage Repudiator

‘Speaking Truth to Power and hoping Power doesn’t punch back’

Thanks,  but I’ll keep it on… forever.

Written by Shark Marsley.

Behind the DIED SUDDENLY and DOCTORS BAFFLED headlines, a new fashion trend is emerging post-Covid.

People are being buried wearing face masks.

Danielle Slee, funeral cosmetologist and co-owner of Slee-Peasey Funeral Home in suburban Melbourne, has had at least ten clients a week requesting in-mask burial since the new year. Ms Slee left a casual comment on her professional association’s website, Pretty Stiff, and quickly discovered that her experience was far from unique. Five other cosmetologists responded immediately saying they’d had the same request. Within a week Danielle’s comment had attracted nearly two hundred replies from cosmetologists as far apart as London, Cairo, and Buenos Aires.

In 2023, going out in a mask doesn’t mean you’re off to do the shopping.

 

‘Being buried in a face mask is the last thing I’d expect to catch on as a global fad,’ Ms Slee said. ‘But I’m not surprised that it’s happening in Melbourne. Look at our record on covid. We had playgrounds roped off, blatant police aggression, and the longest lockdowns in the world. If weird covid shit was going to happen anywhere, it was bound to happen in Melbourne. We’re seriously fucked up.’

We approached several psychologists for an opinion but they all wanted money up front. So we harassed random pedestrians instead and got their quotes for free.

Louise, 34, amateur debt collector and bone-breaker: “We buried my grandmother last week and she was wearing a mask. My cousins said it was weird but honestly it seemed right to me. Every time I think of her now, she’s wearing a mask.

‘Gran was the first in the family to mask up, back in 2020. She started eating her meals alone in her room so she wouldn’t catch anything from the rest of us. It took her hours to finish a bowl of soup: lift the mask, take the spoon, pull the mask down again. Over and over. Once RAT tests became available she tested herself five or six times every day. Even after going outside to bring in the washing.’

We couldn’t resist the obvious question. Had Gran received all her vaccinations and boosters?

‘Ha! Was Elizabeth Taylor fond of weddings?’

Violet, 26, unemployed activist and influencer: ‘This is trending right now, all thanks to me. My three hundred thousand followers will wear a mask in their coffin because I tell them to and they have no ideas of their own. I’m keenly aware of the power I have in their lives and it’s intoxicating!’

Neil, 51, unhappy curtain salesman: ‘My in-laws died last week when an unvaccinated tree fell on them. They’d both had it put into their wills that they’ll be buried wearing a blue mask. Nothing else. Just a blue mask. I don’t care what my wife says, there’s no way I’m going to a funeral where everyone’s a nudist.’

Masking after death is seen by some as akin to the ancient Egyptian practice of burying treasure with the nobility. They want to be ready for covid in the afterlife. And according to the comments at Pretty Stiff it’s also a chance to display some personal posthumous style. ‘This girl,’ says Dandy from Belfast, ‘she’s about seventeen, fit as the day is long, and she wants to plan her funeral. Seven masks she wants! A different colour for every day!

‘To be honest, I’m well and truly over this nonsense. But these fuckers are serious so I just start the meter and play along. I told Little Miss that I could assist her in drawing up a funeral plan, but it would cost 500 quid. Ten percent in advance. She puts the fifty down without a moment’s hesitation.

‘Five minutes later her parents storm through the door, and Dad’s screaming about his empty wallet. I dodged the refund by calling the peelers and getting them carted away!’

People driven by emotion over logic are easy prey for unscrupulous operators – a description which Danielle Slee firmly rejects. ‘I don’t see anything unethical about adding a mask fee. I provide a service that nobody else can provide. And I don’t regard 150 dollars as overcharging or exorbitant. Yes, I buy the masks at 30 dollars for a box of fifty. But you have to understand something: people who want to be masked in their coffin are nuts. They are obsessed. Initially I didn’t charge anything for the mask. My clients all rejected that. They didn’t believe I would put the mask on them. So now I charge and charge heavy.

‘That makes them happy. And at least the mask won’t end up polluting a river or being eaten by a penguin.’

Sounds like the basis for a new government campaign.

‘Take It With You When You Go!’