Western Australia! It’s The Happening Place!

Our capital is the most isolated city in the world – balanced on the edge, as it were, between an ocean of water and an ocean of sand. We gave the world Heath Ledger, and for a while we held the America’s Cup. Future President Herbert Hoover worked in the Kalgoorlie Goldfields. But Western Australia is so much more contemporary than all that.

The eastern state of Victoria used to be known as the Garden State. WA is currently vying for several titles, including…

The Stupid State:

POLICE have caught up with a young woman snapped tucking into what appeared to be a bowl of cereal while driving down Marmion Avenue in Connolly last week.

Capital punishment is off the books here in The Great South Land. But as we all know, there are some punishments far worse than death.

Which leads on to our claim as the Suicide State.

Watch and be amazed.

Train Jumper Man has yet to be identified, but he has been honoured with official government recognition. State Premier Mark McGowan has labelled him ‘a complete, utter, bloody idiot.’
Not as bloody as he might have been. Having had one lucky win against the laws of physics, will the jumper go for two out of three?

WA is bigger than Texas. With a population just over two and a half million, we’re spread pretty thin. But we have a knack for punching above our weight. We’re currently vying for the title of Scam State at both the Local and International divisions.

A Swan Valley restaurant has shamed a couple they claim was involved in a three-course dine and dash, racking up a bill of almost $250 before leaving without paying, on the weekend.

That’s how the story began. Once there were photos posted online, the true extent of the scammers’ work was revealed.

Irawan Wibifana, the manager at Tarrazza cafe in Applecross claims the pair targeted his venue back in June last year…“I filed a report with the police and heard nothing about it again. I have since been contacted by other venues, not just pubs and cafes but hotels and hairdressers who say she has done the same.”

An impressive run. But this is the 21st Century, and nobody is too far these days from some form of video surveillance device.

Mr Dine and Mrs Dash have slipped from the headlines during the last week. I would bet on a quiet departure from Perth for the eastern states – and if they left with several weeks worth of rent unpaid, who’d be surprised by that?

Maybe they shouldn’t count on running the con over east, though. Their faces have been well spread across the news and in social media. As has this friendly advice to one of the ripped-off eateries.

Calls to mind the housebreaker who yelled ‘Hey, don’t you recognise me?’ from the lineup.

If our scammers aren’t entirely smart, they are at least bold. Heading our challenge in the International Division: a man of the working people.

The largest pro-Black Lives Matter page on Facebook was actually a scam tied to a white man in Australia… the page linked to websites tied to Ian Mackay, a National Union of Workers official in Australia, who did not respond to CNN’s request for comment.

The Fake Lives Matter page had attracted 700,000 followers and about $100,000 in donations by the time it was shut down. Not a bad effort for a unionist, eh? I thought it was only the blood-drinking virgin-defiling capitalist bosses who engaged in such ruthless exploitation.

WA is renowned for its beaches and generally outdoor lifestyle. That doesn’t mean we’re unfamiliar with more cerebral pursuits. At least one local citizen is a Mario Puzo fan. Or was, at some point. They seem to have got a few of the details confused.

Police are investigating how and why decapitated rats were left at the homes of Stirling councillors Giovanni Italiano and Bianca Sandri six weeks ago.

Horse head in bed, rat corpse on lawn… as Mother said every Christmas when Aunty gave me a pair of brown socks, it’s the thought that counts.

Life is never dull in the Sinister State. This is head on the beach territory, after all. And if our intrepid constabulary can deduce that a man whose head was cut off and wrapped in a plastic bag was not the victim of a shark attack, a couple of chopped up rodents shouldn’t keep them busy beyond lunchtime.

Against all these claims to dubious fame, WA makes an effort to square the balance as the Stargazing State.

WEST Australian scientists have confirmed little green men were not behind the mysterious, cigar-shaped object spotted in our solar system late last year… Lead researcher Steven Tingay said the Murchison Widefield Array telescope in remote central WA was used to check for radio transmissions coming from the object between the frequencies of 72 and 102MHz, similar to the frequency range in which FM radio is broadcast.

Isn’t there anyone on the air? Isn’t there anyone?

When the purple squid creatures arrive Western Australia will be the first to know! Or maybe the last. The place is so damn big they could be here right now, camping out in some remote unvisited corner.

They might feel right at home. The Bungle Bungle Ranges are alien enough to host a Ridley Scott movie.

Western Australia – the Spectacular State.