SPECTRE, the 24th James Bond film, has arrived. Daniel Craig has returned to play 007 a fourth time and seems to have been having a jolly time with the media during the advance publicity campaign. He’d rather slash his wrists than do another Bond film, according to reports, and this has led to all sorts of speculation about his successor. Will we have another blonde Bond? Is Hugh Jackman too old for the role? (probably, but I think he’d do rather well as Her Majesty’s Suave Assassin.) Also coming through quite clearly is the accusation of – well, I won’t say racism: let’s call it, extremely restricted thinking. The next Bond doesn’t have to be a white guy at all, according to one corner of the argument. What’s wrong with a black Bond?
Here’s my view on that. You want a black Bond? Fine. But that works both ways. Let’s make a John Shaft movie with Tom Hanks in the title role.
Tom Hanks? Sorry, I meant Tom Cruise. I don’t know what I was thinking back there.
The real problem as I see it with the next Bond is that people simply aren’t thinking BIG. Let’s turn 007 into a giant female praying mantis. Possibly gay, possibly not, but definitely Catholic and left-handed. And forget the Beretta. When she conquers her enemies in fight scenes she can just tear their heads off and eat them.
Obviously, a transformation of this magnitude would be a hard sell to audiences. Then again, writer Anthony Horowitz has pushed the boundaries by giving 007 a girlfriend and a gay male friend in Trigger Mortis. Silva, Bond’s enemy in Skyfall, evinced a distinctly sexual interest in 007; and of course Goldfinger wanted to run a laser through Bond – starting at the groin. But Mr Horowitz may have gone too far by making Pussy Galore into Bond’s girlfriend. Trigger Mortis is set in the months following Goldfinger. James and Pussy have hooked up and settled down into some sort of semi-domestic bliss. Which would inevitably have a few rough patches, given P-girl’s interest in her own gender…
Bond’s thoughts drifted as he waited for the lights to change. He was brought back to the present when three young women crossed the street, laughing at a private joke. One gave the hood of the Aston Martin a cheeky pat – the sort of half affectionate, half lecherous touch that Bond himself had applied to more than a few female bottoms. The irony wasn’t lost on him. 007 smiled. But his good mood went sour. He noticed Pussy’s longing eyes following the girls.
‘You promised me you’d given all that up,’ he said. The light turned green and Bond put the car in motion with a deliberate jolt.
Pussy was thrown backwards slightly into the leather seat. ‘I’m trying,’ she said, though it was more of a whimper than a statement. She turned to look at the opposite side of the street. Bond pretended to not hear her snuffling into a tissue.
And how would Miss Moneypenny handle the competition? No, the whole situation would get ugly in a very short time.
Speaking of ugly situations…
Photo: behind the scenes pic from SPECTRE, featuring Lea Seydoux, Daniel Craig, and Dave Bautista in the middle.
Comment: from the usual source.
(Mantis photo credit to Claire Anderson)