Posted by: Gregoryno6 | May 21, 2012

Poll: Who was it that Craig Thomson DIDN’T name?

Were you convinced by Craig Thomson’s speech to Parliament today?

No? Neither was I. For all the names he fearlessly named under parliamentary privilege, the member for Dobell (an aboriginal word meaning ‘shameless prevaricator’, did you know that?) was clearly deadly afraid of pointing to the true guilty party in this affair. In the time it took me to cook my lunch of two-minute noodles, I did some intense probing and came up with the three most likely suspects.

Prime Suspect Number One: Howard Hughes.

Ridiculous, you say. Howard Hughes has been dead for nearly forty years! Well, maybe. And maybe not. If you had millions upon millions of dollars falling out your rear end, would you be prepared to just lie down and say hi to the Grim Reaper? Myself, I might invest some of that dough in life extension research. And if I hit gold with a drug that gave me the energy of a 20-year-old, I’d damn well keep it to myself.  For good measure I’d build an elaborate fake persona as a haircut dodging eccentric. Throw those snooping types completely off the track.

But wait, you say. If you’re Howard Hughes, you’ve got cash enough to pay for your own female companionship. Why put the squeeze on poor harmless Craig Thomson?

Because that’s what you do when you’re an evil capitalist overlord. You white-ant the union movement from within. And you get laid into the bargain. Sweeter and sweeter.

Hughes is an obvious candidate. Perhaps too obvious. Thinking a little deeper, I hit upon an old and familiar antagonist.

Prime Suspect Number Two: The Freemasons.

Been quiet lately, haven’t they? Exactly! Not everybody in the business of taking over the world advertises it like Apple Corp. Safe bet that Thomson stumbled across their latest bit of globe-dominating hankypanky and decided to reveal all. Clearly, the man had to be discredited. A few discreet advisories… words to the right people in finance and telecommunications… suddenly Mr Thomson is fighting a frantic self-defence instead. It’s his back up against the wall now. And he’s no Einstein, but he’s smart enough to know that he has to preserve a degree of credibility. Freemasons framed you, Mr Thomson? Are you sure it wasn’t the Rosicrucians? Or the Wiggles?

Two very strong possibilities – could there be a third? So far, I realised, I’d thought only of external influences. I had to consider all the alternatives. Maybe Thomson had done it all himself – but unwillingly. Perhaps a flaw had been deliberately opened within Thomson’s psyche. Maybe he’d become the helpless prey of

Prime Suspect Number 3:

Those Damn Brain-Sucking Aliens From Dimension X

Or Wherever The Hell It Is They Call Home.

We live, as a wise man once said, in one damn big bastard of a universe. Millions of galaxies, billions of stars – and who knows how many civilisations have arisen out there? Is it totally beyond belief that a race of beings could, in their travels through the void, locate our small blue marble glowing warm in the light of the sun? Can we discount altogether the suggestion that said beings, looking down on teeming humanity, might regard us as something akin to bacteria – fit for experiment? Should we laugh off without hesitation the concept that these aliens might choose at random an insignificant functionary in a completely unremarkable organisation and force him to do things that were totally against his nature – all for the sheer cold inhuman pleasure of fucking with his head?

I don’t think any of us are in a position to call that one.

Time to make your choice!



  1. Hi,
    I didn’t bother watching the big speech yesterday in Parliament, I knew it would be all over the net, I know for a fact that I would not of been able to sit through that rubbish.
    I voted for “Cold and callous bugs from some obscure corner of the cosmos” mainly because if Graig Thomson had of thought of it, that excuse would of most certainly been in his speech. 😀

    • I do believe he omitted to mention the cat from next door. It’s possessed by demons, no doubt.

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